Still Strong #13 Justin Alan Pt.2

Intro voiceover: [0:01] I learned the hard way, nothing's overnight, some days you lose, some days you survive. Still Strong, even moving slow, every step counts more than you know. I found gold in the everyday, showing up and staying brave. Still Strong, yeah.

Keith Vance: [0:27] Welcome back to the Still Strong Podcast, part two with Justin Allen. All right, brother, we're back. Yep. Now that you're done, tell me how you practice speaking in tongues. Just kidding. You got to give it some levity. This has been a heavy one, so I just had to laugh for a minute. All right.

Intro voiceover: [0:56] Let's imagine living it.

Keith Vance: [0:58] I can't. I can't. And I'm glad you can talk about it.

Justin Alan: [1:04] Yeah, it has to be talked about because there's more people out there that are living that lifestyle that don't realize that there's people like you that are ready to rip their heads off. Because they're messing up their daughters and their granddaughters and other things.

Keith Vance: [1:24] Yeah, but it sounds like, you know, when you believe your own lies, when you believe your own manipulation, when you can't see it, and then it finally comes to a point in your life where you can look back and you can see all that stuff. And then to be able to talk about it as openly as you are to be able to connect those dots. It might help someone else trigger something in someone else's mind. Be like, I can identify that. I can identify with that. I can identify with that. I can identify with that and be like, oh. Three or four hops, bro. Three or four hops. Oh, you can say that's me. You know what they say? Show me your three best friends and I'll tell you everything about you. That's kind of what this is. Right. When you can see a progression, if this is progressing a certain way and I can identify with that, well, then that's you. But we think, oh, that's not me. I'm not that bad. We have that voice in our head that we fight with or maybe we listen to too much. Right. And we believe our own lives. So anyway, let's get it.

Justin Alan: [2:32] So another thing that I don't think I really touched on was at the end of all these relationships that you and I previously talked about was there was always the same. I was always getting the same ending. And all these females would tell me, like, you need to work on yourself. You need to stay single. You don't need to because I was jumping from these relationships from one to the other. That's I saw it growing up, like with my mom, like she would jump from one relationship to the next. And it was normalcy. She was getting married to every one of them. I wasn't. But it doesn't make it any different. I was still moving in with them. I was still doing all these relationships that were going nowhere.

Keith Vance: [3:11] There's a dynamic. There's a dynamic where we learn behavior from people. But that doesn't negate our own responsibility. You can't blame your mom. No. You learn from your mom and she has a play in it. But you have responsibility for yourself as well. And where those two wheels come together, I don't understand all that. But this whole thing, well, we give ourselves a pass too soon because my dad made me this way or this or that. No, no, no, no, no. You had a play in it. But you get personal responsibility as well. And everybody's a teacher, positively or negatively. I learned from my parents what they did well. And I tried to do the best I can when I learned from them. But the things that they didn't do good, I'm sorry, the things that they could have done better, I can learn from those too. And it all has teaching moments. Not to be stuck in the cycle, well, I'm the way I am because of how I was raised. No. That stuff that you learned positively and negatively, use it to make you a better person. To make you what you're supposed to be and to get stuck in that cycle of that we've been talking about. Because it can continue. Your daughter and son can say the same thing about you. Oh, yeah. And that just perpetuates. Well, if nobody's responsible for their own actions, if it's everybody's fault, then what's the point? Right? So I think we're going to get there. Yep.

Crosstalk: [4:43] So this is the part. Yeah. Around 34 now. Jobless. Pretty much homeless because I live with my mom. Um.

Justin Alan: [5:05] I start working for, um, I got this where I got to do redo my grandma's house. So my uncle made a deal with me that he'll pay me X amount of dollars a week to clean out my grandma's house, get it ready to sell it. Um, because she had died because she had passed away. And so I'm like, that's fine. That's cool. Like then here it is. It makes, it makes my, they didn't see it, um, as a big thing. I looked at it. I was like, Oh, this is awesome. I'll be able to drink beer and clean out this house with no supervision. I'm a dull. I shouldn't need supervision. But so then I have a buddy of mine that lives in the case.

Keith Vance: [5:50] I was getting ready to give you some props again. I was getting ready to say, Hey, I'm glad you weren't too good to clean out your grandma's house and take on that job. Because some people would say, after being a business owner, some people will say, have a mindset. Well, I'm too good for that. No, I'm like, no, I've graduated from that. And, but you did it. So I was getting ready to give you some more props, but you just keep blowing it.

Justin Alan: [6:14] That's because it's not worth it.

Keith Vance: [6:16] I mean, so you took the job, not be so that you can just be free again.

Justin Alan: [6:20] Right. Cause now, and to be able to make some money and I'm able to make some money, but now I'm going to start drinking again, like on my own to where I would stop on my way to the Cape and I'd get like 18 pack, a Bush light and I'd sit there, drop the kids off at school if I had them or if I didn't have them. Um, and I'd sit out there and drink and clean. I'd work, I'd get it. I'd made progress, cleaned it out, had a big dumpster out front and it's cleaning stuff out. Um, but I was drinking at the same time.

Keith Vance: [6:57] So then it became, I'm going to ask you a question at this point when you're drinking, before I asked you, you said you were escaping responsibility.

Justin Alan: [7:09] Now I'm suppressing depression.

Keith Vance: [7:11] Okay. So it's a different dynamic. Okay. I just want to make sure I'm, I'm tracking with you because I hated my life. Now you lost everything here. You're so close. You had it. You thought you had it made. Now you lost it all. So now you're depressed and you're, would you say escaping depression or escaping depression? You're trying to numb the depression. And how do you do that when that's an emotion inside you? That's not an external thing. No. So how do you try to numb something as internal that you can never get away from?

Justin Alan: [7:40] Cause you don't, you, your mindset gets, you get drunk, you get buzzed and your mind doesn't wander and think as much about every detail when you're, when you're drunk. So when, as you're drinking, like stone closed sober, like first thing in the morning or whatever, your mind's racing, or when you're trying to go to sleep, sober, your mind's racing, thinking about stuff of what you've done and like that. And you, you're not going to get any, you're going to be restless. You're not going to be able to fall asleep. You're going to stress. You're going to get depressed. You're going to think about it. And you get that alcohol or liquor or whatever drugs in you. It goes away because you don't think about that. You're thinking about, you don't, I don't even know what you're thinking about. You're just, you're, you're drunk. So you're thinking about what can, what am I going to do? Not what did I do? Understood. Okay.

Keith Vance: [8:33] Thank you for clarifying. I want to make sure I'm tracking with you on this next little segment.

Justin Alan: [8:38] So at this point, I still haven't like my, I haven't talked about him in a while. It was my, my adopted dad. He actually had passed away around the same time. We didn't really have the greatest relationship. So, he ended up passing away from cancer. And then, what do you mean you didn't have a good relationship? Because you told me he was your dad. Well, he was, but then he had the, after the whole getting arrested thing. And then like me and his girlfriend, wife or whatever she was at the time.

Keith Vance: [9:14] The one that first turned you on to like some Christian seeds.

Justin Alan: [9:18] Right. She, she wasn't a fan of me anymore. It became like, like she threw out that I was adopted and like, like that type of stuff. So like, it never came from him, but it came from her.

Keith Vance: [9:31] I don't want to have you lose your train of thought, but why did she not become a fan of yours again?

Justin Alan: [9:35] Because what I did was wrong. Break into their house and trash it and steal from them. And she never, she never fully got over that.

Keith Vance: [9:46] Did you ever apologize for that?

Justin Alan: [9:47] Yeah, I did. So a couple of years later, never accepted it. No, a couple of years later, when I first had my daughter, I brought my daughter over to them. They were thrilled to meet her and spend time with her. And that went on for like a year or two. And then, um, yeah, It got crazy. Like after I got my son's mom, um, trying to do Christmas every, at everybody's different houses. Uh, I, there was like five different houses I had to go to. And one of the days I asked if we can not do it that day and push it back a day to where it wasn't on Christmas. And they lost, they, she lost it on me and didn't think that I was putting them first and looking for a reason probably. Right. So then we kind of like separated then and I didn't talk to him much after that over the years. And then after they ended up splitting up and I tried reaching out to him a few times and he never responded. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Keith Vance: [10:43] Cause, um, early on you kept saying how good he was.

Justin Alan: [10:47] And I still think he was an amazing guy and all that, like that, which I have no hard feelings of how I turned out or anything like that has nothing to do with him or his reflection or any of that. He was a great guy. Got it. Um, he tried his hardest and he gave me the ultimate, my last name. So, okay. But then, so I'm starting to drink heavier, heavier now, um, being less responsible. And then finally, like the, the house is coming to an end to where it's getting ready to get it put up for sale. So I start applying for jobs because I need a job. I need to start making money. And the only thing I know is low voltage stuff. And I know guns. Well, guns didn't work out. They left a bad taste in my mouth because of my irresponsibility. So I was able to get a job with a low voltage company. I started, um, at the bottom. I told them when they interviewed me, I said, I want to start at the bottom, like, and work my way up. Like, don't, I don't want anybody to ever say that.

Keith Vance: [11:50] That's interesting. Yeah, it was. That's interesting that you didn't say that. And it was, most people talk about how much experience they have, how much they know, and they want to go for the top. It was really interesting that you would say that.

Justin Alan: [12:00] It was low voltage, but it was a different style of low voltage. But I was just interested.

Keith Vance: [12:04] It was just interesting that you would, that you would say that I want to start at the bottom.

Justin Alan: [12:08] So I started as a technician at 15 bucks an hour in my thirties, but within very short time, I worked my way up. Yeah. And it was more so to like, I guess, to prove to myself that I was going to do good. And I was the first person in that company to ever move up as quickly because I did have years of experience in the low voltage field.

Keith Vance: [12:31] Yeah, I know. It was just interesting that you would point that out and that you would say that when you needed it to make money.

Justin Alan: [12:36] I guess it was a quick way to easy, quick, easy way to get the job guaranteed, which I probably had it anyways in the bag, but I knew for a fact that I was going to get it. Um, so I ended up being with that company for about five years. I worked my way all the way up from a technician to a project manager level. And then, um, during that time, I had drank more and more. Um, my daughter started getting older. She was 15 at this time.

Keith Vance: [13:10] And she's, listen, when a girl's 15, she needs you 100%. Well, and I did girls 15. She needs you with all your senses, with all your senses sharp. And I did the opposite. So she's going through stuff too. At 15 girls are going through stuff, brother.

Justin Alan: [13:32] And she, and she had me from full time from the time she was two till she was 15. She started arguing with me more started. And her mom was playing a big role into it of wanting her more and more. And so I told her, I said, I'll make you a deal. I said, you can go live with your mom for a year. And the way that I was looking at it, I was going to be able to, I had this new job. Now I'll be able to focus more. I'll be able to take this serious and focus on that. And I said, but there's going to be stipulations about you living with your mom. I said, you have to get good grades when you're there.

Keith Vance: [14:13] You have no right to be given anybody's stipulations.

Justin Alan: [14:16] I know. Trust me. But that's, I was the manipulator. And so I let her go live with her mom when she was 15 years old. 14, right before she was 15. And she started high school because she was going to start high school over there.

Justin Alan: [14:37] And so then that gave me a lot more free time. And so I started drinking more. I still had my son. My ex-wife, she was in law enforcement. So me and her got along.

Keith Vance: [14:56] Sounds like you've always been able to get along with people.

Justin Alan: [14:58] Yeah. I never had. the issue up until this next one that where I don't get along with that all or talk to. And it's not because of her decision. It's my decisions. And so me and her, the next one that I started dating, she had her own house. She had two kids. Great job. She actually had two jobs. She was a go getter. Her mom was a great person. And she had her dad wasn't a part of her life. But me and her mom got along very well. Me and her got along very well. And in the beginning, the manipulation stage, I was able to. But there wasn't really a whole lot of manipulation. It was more with this one. It was me and her drank a lot. Like it was more of a partying because we were we ended up having our kids on the same schedule. So when we had our kids, we were family oriented. When we didn't, we were out on boats. We were at the bars. We were doing whatever, going on cruises, going here, going there because I was making my own money. I was living with her. I was doing all these things. And so it was kind of like it was balanced. We had our family when we had them. But I wasn't still 100% there. I was still like when we didn't have them, we were going out and drinking. And when drinking came, so did the arguing and the fighting.

Keith Vance: [16:29] Let me ask you another question.

Keith Vance: [16:38] Raising kids is hard.

Crosstalk: [16:40] 100%. 100%. Especially when you're not a full time parent like I was. So looking back during this time, how effective were you raising them?

Keith Vance: [16:56] Were you even raising them? I wasn't raising them. Was it all the show? Was it all surface show?

Justin Alan: [17:00] It was being present physically when I had them and buying them what they wanted so they felt loved. But I never gave them that genuine love of a father that should be given his kids.

Keith Vance: [17:20] And how much like really solid advice or like, I'll just use the word advice. Can you give to someone when you're not in a stable spot yourself? I shouldn't have been giving anybody. Are you just making it up?

Justin Alan: [17:38] Pretty much. I'm just on that. Are you just saying what you're supposed to say? What I think I should say. What a parent should say. What I think how parents, in my mind, how a parent should be. Because I can sit here and say, well, I was a parent at a young age. So were you. I mean, you were completely different. And so that's not an excuse. Or people from the outside looking in and be like, oh, no, Justin's always been a great dad. No, I let you see that I was a great dad.

Keith Vance: [18:06] The reason why I'm asking is because I can't pretend. I can't pretend. So there's been times in my life that I've been battling my own demons.

Keith Vance: [18:22] And I've still got to be a dad. I've still got to be a husband. And there's been times that I know my kid's going through something. And I know what I'm supposed to say. But I'm not doing it myself. So I can't say it. I can't say it because I'm not doing it.

Intro voiceover: [18:42] And I'm not going to pretend. But you have that guilty intuition. I didn't.

Keith Vance: [18:47] So luckily there was other people in our circle that I would hope would pick up on that. Because I can't speak to them because I'm not in a good spot right now. Right. Pastors, Sunday school teachers, school teachers, my wife. My wife's always been solid. Man, thank God for my wife. My wife's always been able to speak to my kids. She's awesome. But I was just curious. Because you're battling these demons and you still have to raise kids. I was just wondering how you're doing it. Because I can't. I wouldn't be able to tell my kids anything. I would say, hey, don't be doing what I'm doing. That's all I can tell you. Don't do what I do. Whatever I'm doing, do the opposite.

Justin Alan: [19:24] I had no real self-awareness. I didn't take accountability for a lot of things. I let a lot of things just kind of like roll off. Looked at the consequences as they came through. Understood. And either dealt with them or brushed them off. I didn't really take accountability. I didn't take what I was doing as serious as I should have. And I never really let anything bother me too much. But at the same time, I was going through a deep cycle. A depression that was building that I didn't know was coming. I understand.

Keith Vance: [20:03] Again, like I said, I'm trying to see what your shoes feel like, and I'm digesting this.

Justin Alan: [20:09] So I'm hurting all these people. And me not realizing it fully, I'm thinking everything's great. These people are hurt all from the last 10, 15 years, time and time again, same cycle over and over. And I'm thinking, oh, let's just brush it off and move forward. And like it'll go away or it'll stop and not realizing what kind of issues I'm creating for myself in the future.

Keith Vance: [20:42] In your mind, we're just going to Disney World for a weekend. And when we get back, we'll figure it out. Type. Yeah. When you're a kid. Yeah. We'll deal with it when we get home. Right now we're going to play the Mickey Mouse.

Justin Alan: [20:53] Or if I get the next girl and it don't work out, there's another one that's next in line that's going to make it fine for a little bit. That'll be okay. So this next one I dated for about two and a half, three years. This was the longest one besides my marriage that I actually dated. And we had a lot of ups and downs. We had a few where we were going to break up, then we didn't break up, and then we were going to, then we didn't. And then probably the last year of it was it should have been ended prior to that year. But it was me manipulating, me lying, me doing this, doing that to keep her to where she was tolerating me. But it was horrible. It was a horrible relationship. We actually argued in front of the kids a few times. And then it got to the point to where me and her just obviously weren't going to work. So we parted our ways, and I ended up moving in with a buddy of mine instead of going back home.

Crosstalk: [22:06] I've got to ask you another question.

Crosstalk: [22:11] Your alcohol was an escape from responsibility.

Keith Vance: [22:17] Then it was an escape from depression. All these relationships with these women, what are you running from? What are you running to? Because I see a different type of addiction here. I see a different cycle with relationships. Whoa. Have you thought about this?

Justin Alan: [22:39] I'm trying to...

Keith Vance: [22:43] You're trying to fill a void?

Justin Alan: [22:44] Fill a void of my own. It's almost like I'm being greedy for myself, and I'm not trying to produce any kind of positive to somebody that I'm supposed to be sharing my life with. I'm trying to make it to where, how is it going to benefit me? How is it going to do this? And when something doesn't benefit me anymore, then I get angry and I get upset. And then I'll fight back with it. And then that's where usually arguments start. Or I'm taking from this person or I'm taking from this person. And it's like I'm not returning the take that I'm giving. I'm not giving them back what they deserve.

Keith Vance: [23:34] A verse came to my mind. So you are trying to fill a void. You've got a hole somewhere, and you're trying to fill it with these relationships for you. It's all about you. Husbands, love your wives.

Crosstalk: [23:52] Even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, that's the answer.

Keith Vance: [24:02] To give with no expectation of any return. Right. That's the remedy. But that remedy is only through Christ, which we're going to get there. Selfless service. Selfless love. Unconditional love. Not what I can get back, but I'm going to love you because I love you. Because Christ loved me. And I'm going to love you the way he loved me the best I can. I'm going to serve you, not expecting anything back.

Justin Alan: [24:30] And I can honestly say, and as crappy as this is going to sound, I've told every one of those females that I loved them, and I didn't. I told them what they wanted to hear. And it never stopped. And as bad as it is, and there's people that deal with that daily, and they're living in a life like that where they feel that they're being told that they're loved, but they're not loved. They know they're not loved. They can feel they're not loved, but they're being told one thing. And they're being told one thing. And And they get told enough, they start believing it a little bit, but they don't feel it. And coming, you'll see how that changes.

Keith Vance: [25:09] And that, there's another verse that talks about that, about a man's words and a man's actions. Don't talk about it. Right. Show me. I hear you. I hear you say you love me. Back it up. Show me. Where do you love me? My almost used to be, my almost son-in-law. Every time she gets fed up, I love you and like this whole thing, show me. Show me. I can't. I can't show you.

Intro voiceover: [25:39] I can't. So anyway. Because he don't love himself and he's not going to love anything else. Wow. Well, he might love himself too. A point. Maybe he can only love himself. Right.

Justin Alan: [25:51] So at this point, this is where my mom and stepdad had closed their shop down. Oh, okay. On their own. They're at the point where they wanted to retire. Wow. Good for them. And they wanted to move. Culture shock for me. Oh, wow. They bought property in Tennessee. And so it wasn't just right up the road. And this was going to be the first time that my mom moved away from me. And at the same time, this is when me and my ex were splitting up. So I couldn't run back to mom's house. So I got to, I moved in with a buddy of mine.

Justin Alan: [26:34] And this was probably, I didn't have my daughter. She was still living over at her mom's. We'd bump heads here and there. I had my son. He wanted to be with me a lot more than his mom. And it was, I did a lot of where I lived at in Alva. I was closer to a lot more of my friends that had kids.

Justin Alan: [27:05] So this portion is where it gets, they kind of like, it gets like really nasty. And so again, like this one told me the same as all the other ones that I need to stay single and I need to not, I need to find myself and I need to love myself and all that. So I told myself, I'm not dating anybody anymore. I'm tired of it. And this was going to be my change in life. Did you ever think about turning gay? No. All right, good.

Keith Vance: [27:38] I thought you were going to say, hey, it ain't working with all these women. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Definitely not. Oh, good. That's another one I couldn't take. I let you say, what's that other thing I want to say? Me time. I let you say me time 10 times before I heard you say that one.

Justin Alan: [27:52] That thought's never crossed. All right.

Keith Vance: [27:55] But when you say it's going to take a turn, I say, oh no, here we go. No. I ain't working with the women. All right.

Justin Alan: [28:04] So the buddy that I was living with, he liked to drink a lot. So me and him, like when we have, he had a son. They were the same age as my son. We all had the same mutual friends within like a mile radius of each other. It was like four different houses that we'd go to.

Justin Alan: [28:24] And so when we didn't have the kids, we'd go over to our friend's house. We'd all drink and have a good time, party it up. I still had my job full time. He actually worked with me at, I was able to get him a job at the same place that I worked at. But, um, and then a few months went on and he met a girl and he's like, do you, do you want to just take over this house? And I'm going to move in with her and we'll be able to work it out. I'm like, perfect. I'll have my, my own space. My mom's not here. She can't intervene with anything. This is the first time in my adulthood life that I am on my own by myself and going to start making forward progress. And so what I didn't realize is that's when depression took a little bit harder hit. Drinking took a little bit more. Um, I became a project manager for this company. Um, and so my stress levels went up a little bit more cause everybody says, oh, I can do that job until you get to come do that job. Right. People don't realize the stress that comes with it. Um, so my son was staying with me probably about 75% of the time because not that I was giving him more nurturing, nurturing, home and loving home than his mom's. But I had the fun house. I had the TVs. That. He had Xboxes, going over to a friend's house all the time where he could play with kids his age. The fun house. And no bedtime, really. I mean, he was staying up till like 10 o'clock at night when he should have been in bed at like 8 o'clock. But we were just two dudes. He was my son and I was his dad and we were living it up. We'd go out to eat.

Keith Vance: [30:24] Actually, it sounds like fun.

Justin Alan: [30:25] Yeah, it was great. We had a pool in the backyard, so he's swimming it all the time. And it was good when he was there, but when he wasn't there is when it really hit. I was depressed. I was sad. I was drinking a lot. There were some mornings I'd wake up and pound a couple of the fireball shots before I'd go to work just to get me going.

Justin Alan: [30:56] And I started hanging out with these other couple of girls and they're like, oh, I want to introduce you to this other person. And I'm like, I don't really want to date anybody right now. I want to really try and fix my life. I got to do better. And they're like, I'll just...

Keith Vance: [31:14] You're saying you got to fix your life.

Justin Alan: [31:17] But I don't even know what I got to fix at this point.

Keith Vance: [31:19] But you just drank two fireballs before you go to work. Right. So it's kind of like sounds contradictory. Right.

Justin Alan: [31:26] And so I'm pretty much fighting myself every single day. Like I do have the demons, but I still haven't made a huge leap in life changes yet.

Keith Vance: [31:39] And you haven't really started doing any work yet. Does it sound like the effort? Like, you know, I need to do something, but I haven't really heard any effort yet.

Intro voiceover: [31:46] No, there's been zero. And so...

Keith Vance: [31:48] Like we all know we need to go to the gym, but there's a difference between knowing I need to go to the gym and getting in there and doing it. It doesn't sound like you've done, you've stepped your foot into the gym yet. Yeah. And that's a scary thought because to commit is a whole nother level of, we're not there yet. Again, I'm just digesting this. So go ahead.

Justin Alan: [32:06] Yeah.

Justin Alan: [32:36] And I'm like, no, that place wouldn't be able to handle me. Like I missed up foot in church in 20 years type thing. So like, no. And I shut it down. And she asked me a few more times. I'm still heavy on hanging out with friends, drinking, taking my son to football, taking him to school, making it work, have a full-time job, working crazy hours.

Keith Vance: [33:00] Is she picking up on cracks on you? Is that why she's inviting you to church? Or do you know why she was inviting you to church?

Justin Alan: [33:06] She knew I was a mess. She knows I've been a mess. Okay. Got it. Yes. And she says she's planting a seed. Got it. And so then I ended up caving and talking to this one girl and another. She's not like the other ones I've dated in the past physically, but she's back to my same old track record to where she's successful. She's got a great mom, great dad, great sister. And I took advantage of her. I tried in the beginning. I did kind of like put some ground things of, I really don't want to be in a relationship. I'm really like making excuses, I guess, to myself of why I didn't want it. And, but then she was fun. She was fun to be around. She was fun to hang out with. She was a heavy drinker at the time I started getting heavy on the drinking. Um, and then it came to a point to where she was either at my house or I was at her house. And that went on for a little while. And then I went right back into the same track record of, all right, well, I don't need to be here anymore. I can just move in with you and we can, we don't have to waste all this time driving. Cause she was in North Cape and I was in Alva. I mean, and I said, we can just live together and make both of our lives easier. Well, she didn't have no kids. She didn't really get along the greatest with my son. So that kind of put, and he always wanted to be with me. Oh, so that kind of took back on. Our pastime of, it was just the boys at the house. It was just me and him. It was a good lifestyle. It was great. And so, I started seeing the change in him, and I didn't like it. Even though, before I moved in with her, there was some times where we had a good time, me and him. So, after we moved in with her, it was like a total change. He likes to play his Xbox, plays football on Xbox, likes to play football in real life, gets good grades. Like, he's a good, solid kid, but in her eyes, he didn't go outside enough, or he didn't do this because he was on his Xbox for an hour a night or two hours a night. So, it kind of caused the issue there. And then, there wasn't always the best financial decisions on my end. I got into a bad habit. When I was living on my own, I was buying lottery tickets, so I was gambling a lot. I was going through a lot of lottery tickets. I was buying a lot of liquor. And so, I wasn't always the best at that point with my money. And moving forward, she was one that was wanting to have kids. She was wanting to get married. And I kind of like put my, my no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to have any kids. My son, at this time, was 11. And I don't want, or 10. And I said, I don't want to start all over. I'm not doing that. Again, like I've said in the past, like, in the marriage thing, like, to me, at that point, marriage was just a piece of paper. There was no reason behind it. Like, we can just live together. And there was no reason. So, what kind of like really stuck out was there was a time, it was Christmas time. And I was dealing with my ex-wife. Me and her didn't get along at this time. She got a new boyfriend and he wasn't a fan of me. And so, we had some issues where we didn't talk. We did a lot of coordination through her mom and dealing with it that way instead of us talking to each other. So, there was no jealousy or no kind of confrontation that would come up from it. So, we worked through her mom. Well, there was a miscommunication on Christmas that year. And it caused a big issue to where she wanted them. But it was never relayed to me. And she's like, well, I told him, my son. And he just never told me because he wanted to stay with me. Well, that caused the issue with me and her mom. Me and her mom only had one fight ever. And that was this time. And so, it caused the issue. So, then that caused the issue between me and my girlfriend at the time. And me and her were drinking every night. Like, we were going through a bottle of Tito's vodka. Like, every two nights we were going through it, which is a lot. And still going to work, still showing up. I was still traveling for work at this new company that I'm at. I became a project manager there right off the get-go. I didn't try and come in low like I did last time. I knew my worth, knew my value on the work side of it. And it was one of those things to where I just felt lost. I felt confused on my life choices. And it was like the first time to where in one of these relationships, I was like, I don't see it going anywhere. I'm not going to keep fighting this. I'm not going to keep pushing for a relationship. Like, something just happened to where it was like, I know it's not going to work. And I know I'm going down a dead-end road.

Keith Vance: [39:04] And every other time. I was forced out. Every other time you were forced out. They made the decision. This is the first time.

Justin Alan: [39:12] Which I knew she wanted to separate before. But then I smoothed it over. But then there was a time to where I was just like, I don't want to fight this anymore. I don't want to. I know it's not going anywhere. And it's causing because my son's not comfortable. So that's the biggest thing right there. Like, there's a issue there. So I'm for once putting him first. You're thinking about him instead of you. And I know it's not going to go anywhere. And so then it was one of those things where I was going to try and build up some money so I can go move out on my own. But I don't understand.

Keith Vance: [39:55] You never stopped working.

Intro voiceover: [39:57] Because I carelessly spend. You're blind. One of the lottery tickets and alcohol. Got it. Okay. And so. Man, what a waste. It was.

Justin Alan: [40:07] Like if I added it up over the years, I'd be like, it was so stupid. But addiction will get you. Like when you're not realizing you're addicted to something and you're just wasting it, it's a bad situation to be in. And so we hit Christmas. We went through Christmas and the New Year's got did a lot of drinking, a lot of partying. But I knew it was coming to an end. And. She ended up reaching out to my sister. And one of my sister's opinion on it, I knew what I was doing. I knew I was working on my way, getting out of it. I was just trying to get my cards in a row before I was forced out. And you've been down this road.

Keith Vance: [40:51] Yeah. Enough time. I saw it on the wall. Like I knew. Yeah.

Intro voiceover: [40:55] So I would. But this time I wasn't going to fight it. Oh, and the only thing different is mama's not around. Right.

Keith Vance: [41:00] My mom can't say you got to figure out. Now you got to figure out, man, I want to get out of here. But I got to. I got to go. Like, I can't just run back to mama's house. Like, so you're trying to. That's why you're saving money, because you got to figure this like the next day on your own. Right. A buddy or a house.

Justin Alan: [41:15] And I knew I didn't want to. I didn't want to. I could have moved in with another friend, but this this time was different. I didn't. I wasn't sure. You've done that before. Right. Got it. But I didn't want to do it again. And so it ended up coming a lot quicker than I thought. She reached out to my sister. My sister told her straight up. She's like, tell him to leave then, because she was she called my sister about getting married and having kids. And she's like, you're wasting your time with them. Don't do it. And for like a half a second, I was mad at my sister. Never been mad at her in my life. Me and her have never argued. Me and her never had. If me and her don't agree on something, we give ourselves each other a few days and then we'll circle back. But I've let my sister down a lot. I've disappointed my sister a lot. And she knows that I love her. She knows that I'll be there for her. But she knows that I also disappointed her a lot. So she was worried that I was going to get upset with her. But she opened up her house to me. She's like, you can come stay here for a couple of nights just to get away. But I was already in the process of getting my own place. So I only needed like another week. But I wanted.

Keith Vance: [42:30] That's awesome. Listen, I love your sister. She spoke truth. She gave tough love, but also opened the door to her house. Right. To show you some love on the other side. That's.

Justin Alan: [42:42] And it wasn't just her decision. It was her husband's decision.

Keith Vance: [42:45] You couldn't expect any more out of her.

Justin Alan: [42:48] So me and her split up. Me and my sister had a long conversation talking about, hey, like mom's not here no more. She's not here to baby you. You got to get your shit together. So I was still drinking. And I was like, I'm going to like, I have this new. I ended up getting that cheap duplex. And it was in the shores. So not the greatest neighborhood. But it was going to be on my own. It's a two bedroom, two bath. And I was there for about. We're in 26, 25, 24. So January 24, I moved in.

Justin Alan: [43:33] And the first few nights there coming from nothing because I always moved from house to house to house. Never had anything of my own. I always lived.

Keith Vance: [43:44] Nobody moved in with you. No. You're always moving with somebody else.

Justin Alan: [43:47] So I never had to have anything. I was moving into furnished houses. The only thing you had to bring is some clothes. Yeah. And that's all I did. Until now. And how old were you at two years ago?

Keith Vance: [43:58] 37. I was about 37 years old. You got your own place. And you got nothing. So what'd you do?

Justin Alan: [44:07] So my sister gave me a couch. She gave me some pots and pans and some plates and glasses. And I went out and bought a couple TVs.

Keith Vance: [44:21] I just got to laugh. It's the typical man stuff. The priorities. Right. I need my TV. And so. I guess I can eat off the floor. Dogs do it. I guess I can eat off the floor. But your sister's like, no, you need this and that.

Justin Alan: [44:32] I did have. I did get a bed from her. I had one bed. My son's bed. I had my son's room stuff. I would. Took that everywhere I went. And so he always had a bed. And then. He always had a dresser. And then.

Justin Alan: [44:51] There was probably that first month of me living on my own. I still drank a little bit. He always had a He always had He always had He He For about two weeks. And then I remember my son. He was with his mom. And I had stopped on my way home from work. I pushed light and I got those little bottles of Fireball. And I got super drunk that night.

Keith Vance: [45:20] Do you remember why?

Justin Alan: [45:22] No. I think it was just so much going on. I didn't have my mom to rely on. Like I normally did. I moved out on my own officially. Really for the first time in my life. Like had my own. Like the name. The lease was in my name. I had to do the power. I had to do the water. I had to do everything on my own. By myself. For the first time in my adult life. I never had to do it before. Like when I moved in with my buddy. Like it was already there. It was already. Like. It was just transferring everything over. Like I didn't have to go look for a place. I didn't have to go start from scratch. I didn't have to fill this place up with. Items that I was buying. And I was just depressed. I went through all these relationships over the last 20 years. 15 years. Of ups and downs. And. All this. And. So I was. Drinking. Drinking. And. I remember. Passing out. I don't remember much that night. And then I had to get up for work the next morning. Always got up for work. It was. I was literally a functioning alcoholic. Um. And I woke up. Went through my text messages. After my alarm clock went off. Saw that I texted somebody that I shouldn't have texted. She was married. Text her stuff that I shouldn't have texted. And. It was one of those things where I was like. I can't do this anymore. Like I had. I had something tell me. Like you've got to stop this. Like you've had your fun. Now it's time to get serious. And. I didn't. Know what I was about to get myself into. I still didn't talk to my daughter a lot. I talked to her here and there. Um. So you guys are still somewhat estranged during this time. Right. Which we started talking a little more so. After me and that girl split up. And. And once my mom told her that I was moving out. Moving on my own. Like. It was like okay. Okay. That can. He can be my dad again. Wow. And. But let me see how he turns out first. And. So my son. He's just to go along with. He. Like. In his eyes. I didn't. I wasn't any different. Like. He didn't see no difference. It was just normal. Understood. Life. My sister. She. Talked to my daughter. Um. That I was. Gonna move out on my own. I was. Told myself. And my sister. And my mom. I'm like. I'm gonna be single for a while now. I don't want to do it no more. Like I. I told them. I said. I'm gonna stop drinking. Um. So January 23rd. Uh. 20, 24. 1, 23, 24. Is the day I decided to stop drinking. Mm. Um. After a week went by. I didn't realize. Not only how hard it was gonna be to quit drinking. But the emotional side of it that comes along with it. Because I don't have that numbness. That I'm able just to drink. To make the pain go away. So. Here I am. Not only. Mm. Not drinking.

Keith Vance: [48:38] You're having physical withdrawals. Yeah. Plus you're having all this emotional suppression. That's been suppressed for a bunch of years. That now you gotta deal with. So you got different dynamics going on. All at the same time.

Justin Alan: [48:48] So everything that I've done. For the last 20 years. Wow. From getting arrested. To. The dating. To having children. To the way I raised my children. To the. Lack of. To. The drinking. To the failed relationships. To the manipulation. To the gaslighting. To the narcissism. To. Telling these. Ladies. And. Everybody. My mom. Lying to my mom. Lying to my sister. Lying to. My kids. Lying to everybody. About everything. Is all. Coming to a surface. All at one time. Like there was no like. Trickle in. Little bit here and there. Oh I remember this. No. It was like. For some reason. It was all at one time. Wow. And it was all spread out. Like it was like. Constant. Like so. There was nights. I was going to bed crying. Because I was so. Upset. And so hurt myself. And. I didn't know what to do. How to. The nights that I didn't have my son. I couldn't stay at home. By myself. Because why? Because I've beaten myself up over it. And I didn't want to do. I didn't want to fall into like. A deep state of depression. Where I took my life. Because that thought. How to do It crossed my mind a few times that it'd be easier.

Keith Vance: [50:02] I was going to ask you, did that ever cross your mind?

Justin Alan: [50:04] It did, quite a few times. And so here you are, sober, a week into it, two weeks into it, dealing with this. And I'm trying to fight it on my own, and I'm struggling like no other. And I'm like, I'm getting a little bit of flashback of my childhood, my teenage years from when I went to church. And so what do you do when you're always struggling, whether you know God or you don't know God? You always reach out to God and say, God, help me. Like, I don't know what to do. Like, give me a sign that this is supposed to be. When you don't know him, you call on him when you need him, not when you're thanking him, when you're showing him gratitude. Or for the most people that aren't really in and out of Christianity, they reach out to him when they need him.

Keith Vance: [50:53] But that's why I believe in God, and that's why I believe most people believe in God. Because when tragedy hits, you don't ask Santa Claus for help. No. Sorry, kids. Sorry. I would rather have said the F word than that, because I know some people are not going to like me. But you don't ask things that don't exist for help. Right. Why do we call out for God when we're at rock bottom? Right. What's within us to call out to God when we're at rock bottom? Because he made us, so it's natural. That tells me something that's natural. So I started... And that call doesn't fall on deaf ears. No. It didn't. It doesn't fall on deaf ears.

Justin Alan: [51:44] So here we are. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know how it went so fast. I don't know how I wasted so much time, money, and energy over these past years. But I knew it was changing. I knew I had something greater. I knew there was a greater good behind it. Wasn't 100% sure at the time. And this is only a couple weeks into it? This is only a couple weeks into it. So I started... I was like... I hit the ground running. Like, I didn't wait. Like, I wanted to, like, start, like, showing some positive changes for myself so I could look at myself in the mirror and be like, all right, you're really doing it this time. Like, so here we're a couple weeks into being sober. I tell my sister, tell my mom every few days we're in a group chat, like, haven't drank today.

Keith Vance: [52:32] You're making yourself accountable.

Justin Alan: [52:35] Right. And I downloaded this app on my phone to keep track of day-to-day sobriety. And then I was like, well, if I'm going to keep track of that, I'm going to download. I didn't have no social media for a couple years because if you're going to manipulate people and you're going to lie to people, you can't have social media where they can call you out on it. So you have to disappear from that. So I didn't have it.

Keith Vance: [52:58] See, I didn't even think about that. Yeah.

Justin Alan: [52:59] It's funny that you know that. Because it's happened to me. Wow. So if I disappear from social media, nobody can publicly say stuff about me on there. And then I can keep doing what I was doing. And so I decided, I'm like, oh, I'm going to get social media back. I'm going to find a reason for it. I watch TikTok and laugh. And there's a bunch of videos on TikTok that are funny. And I'll get with Facebook so I can be the start of connecting with my daughter on a day-to-day basis and look at pictures and stuff like that. Got it. Well, then there was a influencer that popped up on my Facebook. Her name's Alexis. She's a Christian-based thing. She popped up. And then on my TikTok, I started seeing all faith-based stuff. And I'm like, scrolling, scrolling. And that's all what it is. And it's not clicking just yet. But of course, Alexis, she's a beautiful blonde that caught my attention. And she started doing Bible studies on a weekly basis. I haven't opened a Bible in over 20 years. And here I am wanting to get a Bible so I can follow along with this woman. Because something's piqued me. Piqued my interest in it to understand what she's talking about. Because I don't really remember. Because if you remember back in my Pentecostal days, I faked it. Right. I mean, I knew the word. I knew a little bit. But I knew Jesus and all that.

Keith Vance: [54:31] You said you were there for the wrong reasons. Right.

Justin Alan: [54:33] Got it. So I never took it. Like, really. I never really opened up my heart to Jesus and that. So I'm sitting there. And I have a full-time job. I start doing, like, Uber delivery. So I'm not sitting at home by myself all the time. Making it a little bit easier.

Keith Vance: [54:54] You're not giving yourself any free time. Right. So I'm staying busy. I am. I'm going to make one interjection.

Keith Vance: [55:06] I, and it's relevant to this because I thought about you.

Keith Vance: [55:13] I started this workout app five years ago. In two weeks, it'll be five years. In two weeks, it'll be five years. And I interviewed this guy two weeks ago, Vadim. He's an Olympic weightlifter. Like he, we had this interview. I worked out with him a little bit and he's just, he does this training, personal training. And he noticed my flexibility. He knows a lot of things about me just by watching me, my flexibility, my mobility. And so I decided to start training with him. So I deleted my app last week. And trying to delete my app, I'm going through everything, trying to find how to delete it. I've been with that program for almost 60 months. In two weeks, it'll be 60 months. I've done 1,502 workouts in 60 months. That's 25 workouts a month. That's a pretty freaking good average. 25 freaking workouts a month that I logged in, let alone the ones that didn't log in when we went away for vacation. But I'm only working out for an hour a day. So I did that math. Over a period of five months, an hour, an hour a day for almost 25 days a month, that's 60, 60 months. An hour a day, 60 months over a course of five years. So relatively, it's a relatively short amount of time. You follow me? Mm-hmm. 60 months of working out, it's a lot consecutively. But over a five-year period of time, it's really not. So I was like, man, 1,502 workouts, that's a lot of workouts.

Crosstalk: [56:59] But then I thought about you.

Keith Vance: [57:01] I'm exerting myself an hour a day. And it accumulated to 1,502 workouts over 60 months. What you're talking about, battling with trying to stay sober. You're not just trying to stay sober for an hour a day. 24 hours a day. 24 freaking seven. That's intensity. Mm-hmm. That's intensity. And I just had another delay. I'm glad that I came across that. I'm glad I did leave that and came across this information in time for this conversation. Because that is a whole nother level of discipline. A whole nother level of what's your whys. When I don't feel like working out, I just say, I just don't want to work out. I can, but I do it anyway. Mm-hmm. The stakes are high with you. And you have to stay mentally, spiritually, all those other strengths that you can think of 24-7. And I had never considered that. I had never considered that battle to stay sober. That it's nonstop. And then I thought about other things that, as men, we fight other addictions. Other things that we're called to be that it's not just for an hour a day. And I just did it. It's nonstop, 24-7. Right. It gave me a whole nother level of awareness.

Crosstalk: [58:25] Hmm.

Keith Vance: [58:27] So when you talk about, man, two weeks in, how many hours was that? You know what I'm trying to get out? Right. Like the mental, all those emotions and mental fortitude and all that stuff. That's a struggle.

Justin Alan: [58:43] And you don't get to just sleep it off. It's not like, oh, I got eight hours of sleep and it was good. No, you might sleep for two to three hours. Really? You're going to wake up and your mind's racing. Like, my mind was constant, like all the time. Like the first few, probably for the first month, it was nonstop. And it was not really what I, I didn't understand why it was doing it the way it was doing it until a few weeks later. When I got, I don't want to say that God was testing me, but God was showing me where I've been and wanted me to feel all those feelings. Because before I, I really knew him, I asked him to help me. Okay. And I didn't realize it. Okay. And so I'm asking for help.

Keith Vance: [59:40] So your journey is not just about sobriety. There's something bigger that God's trying to do in you. And the sobriety is just a piece of it. Right.

Justin Alan: [59:49] So it's, it. The sobriety is my story, but to, to where it can relate to people that fall. But then it also is part my. Other story is I wouldn't have done it without God.

Keith Vance: [1:00:05] I didn't mean to cut you off there. I just had that thought and I think it was timely. Yeah. Because it helped me appreciate people who are struggling. Yeah. That it's intense. It's intense.

Justin Alan: [1:00:19] Yeah, because people will reach out to me and be like, oh, how do I do it? Well, it's not just something that you just do it. Just don't do it. You got to want to do it. And it's not something that today you're going to stop and tomorrow you're going to feel like how I feel. No, you got to go through your feelings. You got to go through your emotions. You got to feel that hurt because you're a heavy drinker. You're addicted for a reason. You're addicted to alcohol. You're addicted to drugs. You're addicted for a reason. You hurt yourself. You hurt somebody else. You're masking pain. You're masking hurt. You're masking a lot for a reason. And you got to find out why.

Keith Vance: [1:01:02] And it didn't happen overnight. So the pathway out is not going to be overnight.

Justin Alan: [1:01:06] No. Like, I'm still to this day, like, there's still things that I struggle with. But you know what? It's not the same struggle that I've dealt with three years ago.

Intro voiceover: [1:01:16] Good for you.

Justin Alan: [1:01:18] Because when I made the decision to start, it really wasn't. It was to start the sobriety and to put it all on, like, give it back to God. Like, you can't do this alone. Like, some people might be able to say they did it alone. But time will tell. And I can try and take credit for it all day long. And it wasn't just me waking up that morning and saying I'm not doing it. Like, there was a path written already in play. I had a few seeds throughout my life that were planted. I went through all these struggles for a reason. There's going to be other people that come into my life that struggle the same or that are going to watch this that are struggling that can relate to it and say, if he can do it, I can do it. Well, I can do it because God did it. So where that started was with TikTok and Facebook comically, like, two social media platforms. A lot of people say, oh, social media is horrible. That's, like, the root of all evil is social media. No, like, that's where social media saved me in a way. That's what you use it for. Yeah. And so I spent the next few months digging into the Bible, reaching out to my ex-mother-in-law, accepting her invitation to the church after me and her had a big fight, argument. So I started going to church, found Jesus, gave my life to Jesus, started growing bigger on TikTok. Hold on a second.

Keith Vance: [1:03:09] When you gave your life to Christ, slow down a little bit. I want you to remember that, that very instance, the emotions, like, all that stuff.

Justin Alan: [1:03:22] The idea happened when I was at church, and it was the week before Easter in 24. I walked into the church, and it felt different when I walked in. It felt like I was at home. It felt like all my worries weren't, like, the stress that I always dealt with, like, the burdens that I held on my shoulders. And, like, everything, like, just kind of, like, lifted a little. And it made me feel like everything was going to be okay. And so when I walked in, the pastor was preaching after worship. And then he did an altar call. And I didn't freely walk up there. I just walked up there. Like, I felt that I needed to go up there.

Justin Alan: [1:04:26] And I had several of the elders come up and pray over me. And I felt completely released. I felt like that my life at that moment was never going to go back to the years and years that I went through. The pain that I caused all these different people. The pain that I caused to my children. The pain that I caused to my mom. The pain that I caused to my sister. To myself. To anybody. I knew I wasn't going to go back to that lifestyle. And I knew that Jesus was the way. Jesus. was the reason why I feel that my life could be different because he died for our sins. He knew we were going to be sinful children of God, and he knew that he was going to push for us and he was going to fight for us if on a day-to-day basis the devil's going to try and come in and take you out, and the devil's going to do everything he can to pull you back into his lifestyle, but Jesus is going to be right there with you and say, that's the child of God. You don't mess with him, and so as I got deeper into it and the more I got pushed into it, the more I wanted to spread his word, the more I wanted people to know that, hey, without Jesus, your life might be good to you, but it's not good to God. You might have a lavish lifestyle here on earth, but it's not going to be lavish when you're not here anymore. Just as quick as you get it, just as quick as it can go away, you have to put your trust in God. You have to know the Bible. You have to live by the Bible. Don't live by just whatever preacher is telling you to preach. Know the word. Know the Bible. Live by the scripture. Don't just watch whoever and assume a preacher is going to tell you right from wrong. There's preachers that don't even open a Bible, and you got to be cautious on that. That's what's made me so open with it because I want to make sure that since I'm putting so much work into my life that I don't fall back and listen to a wrong preacher or somebody that claims to be a Christian or that's just the devil in disguise trying to manipulate me to go back to that lifestyle that I used to live, and I'm not doing it.

Crosstalk: [1:07:06] Something interesting is, and not everybody,

Crosstalk: [1:07:16] I don't know if everybody gets this opportunity or not.

Keith Vance: [1:07:18] I don't know. I'll hold off on that one. I don't know if everybody gets this opportunity or not.

Keith Vance: [1:07:26] But the

Keith Vance: [1:07:30] things that keep us distracted, the things that the evil one uses to keep us looking down and not looking up. Like, the most important decision is not where you work, where your kids went to school. The most important decision is, hey, when all this is over with, then what? Most people don't think about that. Most people put a lot of thought into, hey, what are we doing Friday? You put a lot of thought into, hey, what are we doing this weekend? So you have this mechanism, this arrow. It goes like this, and it right back where it started. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Oh, I got my weekend. Most people are doing this. Going nowhere. Just doing the same thing over and over again. Meanwhile, 20 years go by, and the only thing is, they're a little bit older, but still doing this, not going anywhere. Yeah. That's not by accident. Because if, if the devil can keep people preoccupied with just chasing that circle around, and around we go, that doesn't go anywhere.

Keith Vance: [1:08:43] And they live a lifetime that way, and then they die, then what? The funny thing is, well, the ironic thing is,

Keith Vance: [1:08:55] that God can use that same loop to keep that, that the devil used to keep people distracted, to go around for 20 years, and then come to an epiphany, man, I've just been chasing my tail for 20 years. Like, and then bring us to a point to where we have thoughts that we had never had, which is what happened to you. Mm-hmm. And then what he does is, once we come to Christ, and we accept him, then he gives our life purpose, and meaning, and then instead of that arrow going round and round, he straightens that thing out, and now we're going somewhere, and now we have a destination. We're not just living for Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday. Right. Now we have a destination that has purpose, that has meaning, that has value. Isn't that funny how God does that? Mm-hmm. The very thing that Satan used to keep people blind, to keep them down. Hey, just keep, just keep chasing that circle. Just live for this. Live for this. This is all there is. Don't think about what happened when you die. Not our baby gets that opportunity. But the ones that do, whew, I'm glad you had that opportunity. I'm glad that you, when you had that, you had that opportunity. thought that you gave it some thought because it changed the trajectory of not just this life for you.

Crosstalk: [1:10:06] Eternal, eternal, eternal.

Justin Alan: [1:10:10] And then, so like, obviously people that are seeing me pop back up on social media and people that are from my past see me and they're like, Oh, he's a couple months over or whatever. He's it'll fade out. Yeah. And, Oh, he's in the church. He's going to church now. That's why he's, cause he's messed up so much. He's just putting on a show for let something really bad happen and see if he still goes to church. Okay. So let's take it up a notch. We go, my mom, she's going to come back down from Tennessee and visit. And, uh, she goes, she comes down to visit. We're in July, June, June, July of 2024.

Justin Alan: [1:11:03] And I think it's June. And she decides that her and her husband are going to move back down here. They're going to do that. So my first instinct is like, Oh boy, like, I love my mom. I want to see my mom again. I want her to be around her grandkids, but I hope I don't fall back into that. Trust a type deal to where I know I don't have to worry about doing everything on my own. Cause I'm, I'm six months into doing this on my own. I'm six months over. She was your crutch. She was my crutch. She was the one that if I failed, she'd be right there to pick me back up. So you're scared. And I was kind of worried about it. And she knows that I'm going to church. She knows I'm living for God. She knows that I'm sober. She knows I'm working hard. I got my regular job. I'm still doing Uber to keep myself busy. My son's doing great playing football. Um, I'm doing really good in my life. I've got a great relationship with my daughter. Um, we've, she's pregnant. She made me a grandpa. And, uh, so everything's going good. And she decides to, she's, they're going to sell their property up in Tennessee. They're going to move back down here and they're going to buy a house down here. So it's like, all right, well, don't, don't rush it. Like, make sure that's what you want to do. And for the first time I offered my house to them. Oh, wow. And so it was kind of like a payback, like, Hey, like you've helped me out over all these years. Let me help you guys. Why you look for something here. And I'm going to, um, I'm going to let you guys, I'll help you guys out and you can just stay here. So that went on for a couple of weeks and they're looking, I'm like, don't rush it. Just, and my mom, she's like, her health is up and down. Um, and then where people can never question my faith lands right here. So August 2nd, 2024, my mom and stepdad are living with me. It's a Friday. Um, I usually got home between five 30, six 30 ish normally. But for some reason I got off work a little bit early. I went and picked up my son and I had him. I got home around four 30.

Crosstalk: [1:13:43] Um, my stepdad calls me at five 15 and asked me how my day was going, which was weird.

Justin Alan: [1:13:56] And I said, that's going good so far. I said, I just got to the house, just hanging out. Um, and he goes, and they did, they're both retired. They did Instacart, um, just to keep themselves busy and active.

Keith Vance: [1:14:09] What is that? Like Uber? Yeah.

Justin Alan: [1:14:11] They do Publix deliveries and stuff like go grocery shopping. All right. So, um, he calls me and says, Hey, uh, I don't know if it's, it wasn't rainy that day, but it was sprinkling. The roads were a little wet, nothing too crazy. Um, and he goes, your mom's been stuck at the same location. And she hasn't moved. If she's not answering her phone, it keeps going straight to voicemail. So he's, he's checking her location, which we all have each other's location for safety. Um, which was good. So I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to run up there. I'll come get you. Cause they were in the same vehicle. And he was at Publix and Babcock. Why? She went up the road to go do a delivery. He was doing the shopping. Oh, got it. And so, I grabbed my son, got him in the vehicle, and called my sister and said, hey, just letting you know, not to stress you out. Of course, me and my sister have a great relationship. I said, hey, going to check on mom. Mom, first just called me and said that he couldn't get a hold of her. I tried calling her a few times, just going straight to voicemail. And so, I jump on 31, head north. And so, me and her are talking back and forth. And she's like, well, there is an accident at Vermont 31, and that's where she's pinging at. And I'm like, all right, maybe she's stuck into it. Maybe her phone died and it's not charging. And then, we're going back and forth. And I said, well, let me call some people that I know and see if they can give me a description of the vehicles that are in the accident. You do have an ex-wife that's a cop. Right, but I wouldn't have called her. Okay. I called mutual friends that I know, or friends that I know. And so, I reached out to one of them, and she said she was going to make a few phone calls, called the other one. I reached out to two different ones. She said that she knew highway patrols. She knew some Charlotte County deputies, and she would reach out to them. And I gave a description of the vehicle, what it was. And so, I continued driving. I get to Publix, pick up my stepdad, and we continue going north on 31. We're about two miles out of, a little bit farther at this point. I get back on the phone with my sister, and I'm talking to her, kind of just like going back and forth. And my stepdad's kind of like making jokes, not realizing what I've already questioned and looking into. So, he's talking about random stuff, and then I reach out, and I kind of like look up in the sky, and I'm just like, God, give me an answer. Like, what am I getting myself into? I got my son. I got him. I just got my mom back. Like, give me something.

Keith Vance: [1:17:20] You got a premonition that you're about to.

Justin Alan: [1:17:22] And I had a feeling that it wasn't, it wasn't going to be good. And so, I heard, I heard my mom's voice saying that she's, she's fine. She's with Uncle Jack, and she's not hurting.

Justin Alan: [1:17:42] And right then I knew. And next thing you know, I'm getting a call from one of the other girls that I reached out to and said, Justin, where are you, where are you at? I said, I'm heading north on 31. She goes, I'm telling you this as a friend, do not go. Do not go. And I said, you telling me that tells me to go. I said, I have to see my mom. She's like, I can't tell you details. She goes, but what you've told me matches a description that there was a fatality accident. I said, all right, I have to go. I'm going. I get back on the phone with my sister, confirm with her that it is a fatal accident. I ended up hitting traffic because it's so backed up, two lane road. I get on the shoulder, and I just take the shoulder the rest of the way up. There's a little parking spot right before, before they started doing all the road construction out there. It was just that light. And I get out. I see my mom's vehicle just mangled. And as soon as I run up to it, I'm on the phone with my sister. They're pulling her body out of the car.

Justin Alan: [1:19:03] And of course, my sister, she loses it. She knows that we just lost our mom. People ask me all the time, like, how do you deal with it? And I said, because she got to see me get sober, she got to see me find my life with God. And she saw me get straight for the first time in my life. I messed up my entire life. I lost relationships with my kids. I disappointed my kids. I disappointed my mom. But she saw me fix my life. She saw me. I'll never go back for that reason. Wow. Right there to that lifestyle I lived before. But she got to see it before she passed away. Wow. So she saw me sober. She saw me find Jesus. She saw me live for Jesus. And How do you feel Now, as it stands, it's been August 2nd. This year will be the second year she's gone.

Justin Alan: [1:20:10] And just turned over my two years of being sober. Just over two years of being a full-blown Christian. Over two years of being single. I have no desire to manipulate another woman another day in my life. I know God will bring the right one when it's time. Amen to that. And I will move forward with my life, keep doing my life the way that God intends me to do, and continue living sober and not fall back in the trenches.

Keith Vance: [1:20:48] I think if anything would have relapsed me, it would have been that.

Justin Alan: [1:20:54] And that's what people tell me all the time. For me not to start drinking after that is amazing. I've gotten several people over the years on social media because I was a live host on TikTok for a while, where Tuesdays and Thursday nights I would share testimonies with people. They'd get on lives and share their testimonies. I did that for almost a year. And then TikTok shifted a little bit and I wanted to change it up. So now I do a more, me and a friend of mine, Katrina, we do Bible studies locally here in Buckingham every second and fourth Tuesday of the month to where we host Bible studies. I wanted it to be more in person. Good. And then, but that would have been probably the end of my life if I was still drinking and that happened.

Keith Vance: [1:21:53] Yeah, there's, God's timing's perfect. Because what Satan means for evil, God means for good. Yep. And if God had not intervened for you beforehand, who knows how far you would have spiraled or if you'd still be here.

Justin Alan: [1:22:10] I probably wouldn't have been here no more and it affected my kids just like it would have.

Keith Vance: [1:22:13] God's timing is perfect. Even when we're resisting him and destroying our own lives, he's still doing his work for those that are called according to his purpose. Before we accepted him, he was pursuing us. Yep. And your life story is a testament to him pursuing people that weren't pursuing him, not thinking about him. Right. But intervening and rescuing, rescuing. And then turning what was meant for evil into, man, a beautiful story, a hard story.

Intro voiceover: [1:22:51] Who wants to lose a mom? Right.

Justin Alan: [1:22:54] Yeah, because that's the one person that should love you unconditionally no matter what. Hmm. And mine did. Whether I was right or wrong. She'd go to fight for me. She'd fight for me with me. And. Hmm. She didn't give me the perfect handbook to raise children or. Who has one? But nobody has it. Like she had her flaws. I have my flaws. My children will have their flaws. It's generational. Generational things that you learn. And it's all about you on making the difference.

Keith Vance: [1:23:32] And. Fallen man. Our sin affects. Like my sin affects my children. Their sin is going to affect their children. But. Christ atoning blood that covers all of it. If we in humility kneel at the foot of the cross. Say God I'm tired of chasing this arrow. This circle around. Do for me what I can't do for myself. He will rescue us. He will. He will rescue us. Justin. A couple things. We're going to wrap this up. But. Any of your social media stuff. We're going to put in the description. So people can find you. Michael will give you my social media stuff. So you can. We can collaborate when this goes out. Try to help each other. Your. In person Bible study. Like I would like to be a part of that. I don't know if I can beat everyone. But I would like to at least come to it. So. However. If someone can come to that Bible study. I'd like to. Make that available. In the description. However. Whatever mechanism. People can reach you via email. Whatever. To if somebody sees this. To be able to reach out to you. If someone who's struggling. So you can speak in someone's life. I want to make all of that available. Put it in the description. You talked about your Bible study. We're going to wrap this up here in a little bit. What are you reading now?

Justin Alan: [1:24:54] We're doing the. Year. Yearly Bible. Okay. Learning the Bible in a year. Here. Here. Here. It's... It's a, it's pretty much, it's a book that I actually received off TikTok and it's 365. Where are you at now, right? We are, I'm doing two weeks at a time every week. Okay. So since I'm doing two studies a month, it's pretty much, I'm on weeks, just did week seven and week eight and it was talking about the forgiveness of certain people that come into your life and don't, don't hold grudges. Like don't judge you. God doesn't judge you or God's going to judge you, but God forgives you. Jesus died for your sins. You do the same things to your fellow brothers and sisters.

Keith Vance: [1:25:50] I don't remember what particular verses and chapters there are. I'd have to look it back up. And I, I should ask this beforehand. I just, I was just curious.

Justin Alan: [1:25:59] It's a good breakdown of, I wish I had more time to do it. So I wasn't trying to cram two weeks in the one night, but it works out.

Keith Vance: [1:26:11] I'm in first John in my Bible. I say reading by listen. I comprehend better by listening.

Justin Alan: [1:26:17] That's how I usually do it.

Keith Vance: [1:26:19] So when I'm driving, I'm just listening and digesting it. So I started in Genesis. I'm in first John now. And then every time I, something resonates with me, I screenshot it. I save it for later and come back to it. I'm creeping up on the end. I'm going to start all over again. Go back from Genesis, work my way through it again.

Justin Alan: [1:26:39] I tend to like when I, cause I do that same thing, especially that first year, 2024, when I was learning the Bible and getting into deep into the Bible. I traveled a lot for work. I drove a lot. I rode on airplanes a lot. I was going to Fort Lauderdale. I was going to Juneau beach. I was going to Gainesville, um, driving. Well, yeah, I can sit there listening to music and jam out the whole time, but I was hungry.

Keith Vance: [1:27:08] Um, so that's another appetites. That's another thing that's confirmation. Hey, did it really take appetites? Your appetites change. Oh yeah. The things that we were dead to now we're alive to things that got us excited. Now I'm dead to like the whole thing that that's like confirmation that Christianity is a thing. Surrending your life to Christ is a thing. And that, that, that, that transformation that he does on our behalf is a thing. It's not us bettering ourselves. It's him doing for us. We, we, what we cannot do for ourselves. Right. Changing our appetites where once I thirsted for, what'd you say it was? Fireball and vodka. Vodka and not thirsting after the word of God.

Justin Alan: [1:27:51] You can't do that on your own. No. That's good. And I didn't do no seven step, two step, any alcohol. Like I, alcohol, I didn't do none of it. I did God. Wow. And it's enough.

Keith Vance: [1:28:08] Yeah. Okay. Let's wrap this up. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions.

Crosstalk: [1:28:16] So young men. Speak to young men.

Keith Vance: [1:28:24] Who, as you talked, maybe they can identify with at least a few of the dots connected. And then I want you to speak to young women. You got a daughter. I got a bunch of daughters, right? I want you to speak to them. And then we'll go from there.

Justin Alan: [1:28:40] So young men. If you rely on your parents, if you. Looking back, if I were to do something. I would have moved away from this town. I would have got away from my mom. Not that she ruined my life. But so I would have been able to. Get that independence the right way. And not wait 20 years to find it. If you're. If you're dating somebody and you're. Manipulating them. You know if you're manipulating them or not. Or if you just are. Going from relationship to relationship. And you're struggling to find that perfect person. You need to find yourself first. You need to love yourself first. If you're. Struggling with alcohol or drugs. And. You don't feel like that you're addicted to drinking. But you're catching yourself drinking. Two, three, four times a week. You're addicted to drinking. Um. If you're drinking to where you can't remember. To where you black out. You're addicted. If you're drinking to. You're just trying to take the edge off to relax. You're depressed about something. Find out why you're depressed. There's a reason why you're drinking. You're not drinking just because you enjoy it. You're escaping from reality. There's nothing that you can't do sober. You can do all things sober. You don't have to go boating drunk. You don't have to go boating or you don't have to go fishing drunk. Do it sober. There's no reason. It's safer. You don't have to worry about drinking and driving. You don't have to worry about boating and driving. You could take somebody's life in an instant. I thankfully never did that. There were many times I got behind the wheel and I shouldn't have. And I thankfully did not wreck, cause anybody else great harm. But a lot of people do. There's a lot of people sitting in prisons for it because of one bad choice. So definitely if you're drinking, if you're dating, my biggest thing would be to find Jesus. And if you need any help, it's not a quick, easy fix. Reach out to me. Keith will put all my connections in here and we'll work it out. But it's not easy. Depending on how many years of sadness, hurt, depression you have is going to be how long it takes to get you back to where you're not sad and depressed. I still have days where I'm sad, but that's normal. It's human to be sad, to be depressed. But how far you take it is how you do it.

Crosstalk: [1:31:41] So if you need any help, I can help.

Justin Alan: [1:31:46] For the ladies, your parents try so hard to not let you find guys like I was. They're out there. They're everywhere. They will manipulate you. They'll lie to you. They'll steal from you. They will make you feel like you're down. They'll make you, you might be independent when you first meet, but they'll tear you up. They'll tear you down. They'll ruin you. You don't want that. They bring nothing to the table. Be at your own table. Match somebody that matches your energy. Match somebody that you want to bring home to your parents if you have them. That'll make them proud. Don't bring somebody to the table that you have to lie about. If you have to lie about the smallest thing, that means you're hiding something greater. And your parents are not going to like that. If you don't have your parents, do it for yourself. Push hard. Work hard. Love yourself. The right person will come along. Don't let the wrong person ruin your life.

Crosstalk: [1:32:57] Because I've ruined plenty of people's lives.

Crosstalk: [1:33:04] Justin, thank you, man.

Keith Vance: [1:33:05] This was timely. I appreciate your openness, your honesty. I appreciate that you're in a good spot in life where you can just be an open book. Man, that's a good place to be. Where you don't have to hide anymore. You don't have to manipulate anymore. Don't lie anymore. You just, here's what I was. Here's where I am. And I'm going to keep on moving. That's liberating. It's liberating.

Intro voiceover: [1:33:30] So, I... Hate me for who I was. Because you ain't going to hate me for who I am. No, man. I'm looking forward to... Not you, but like anybody out there.

Keith Vance: [1:33:39] I'm looking forward to developing a strong friendship with you. Like you and I are vibing on a lot of stuff. And I'm looking forward to how this may influence someone else. And who knows? Maybe this will be like an annual thing. Keith and Justin time. See how things are going. Keep on track. So, I appreciate you, brother. Yes, sir. Any last words? We're good? We're good.

Intro voiceover: [1:33:59] Let's get out of here. Still Strong. Watch me rise my way. Slow growth turns into real change. I found joy in the simple days. In honest work and faith. Still Strong. No rush, no race. I...